It was 10 pm on a Friday night. As the Southern California raindrops poured down, I insisted on moving my car from one bar to the next. You proposed that we just suck it up and walk in the rain because anything would be easier than finding a parking spot on Cahuenga Blvd. But I didn’t want to get drenched so you kindly obliged. We went in circles for 25 minutes on Hollywood Blvd until I had enough of it. I bit the bullet and paid $10 to some smug parking attendant. We ran to the bar, with my broken umbrella in hand, and you looked at me like I was some kid. Despite my soaked jeans, wet sweater, and foul mood, I embraced the moment and started laughing. Laughing b/c you were right. Laughing because you knew that I knew you were right. Indeed, we should have just walked through the rain in the first place. And then, just as I was about to apologize and painfully mutter the words “you were right,” you kissed me. Suddenly time stood still and I felt as though the raindrops froze in mid air. That confident “fuck it all” attitude made my heart race, and you forced me to focus on the moment, no matter how bad our night was prior. You introduced me to spontaneity like I hadn’t witnessed before. Everything stopped at that point because you effortlessly turned a bad night into the night we fell in love.
Then we went into the bar. Live music, rowdy twenty somethings, and you and me. I'll never forget how you circled the place 5 times to find me a seat. My knees were killing me from a long day at work, so you found 2 bar stools in the corner and left your friends to sit with me. Your rubbed my shoulders and I knew. I knew you had the ability to make me feel safe, and make me feel comfortable. I knew you had some sort of strong hold on me right then and there. The way gravity has a pull on 2 magnets. It was an intuitive feeling that I couldn't shake and still can't.
But now, 3 months later, I'm a lone magnet, not clinging to you or really anyone. Instead, as I write this, I find myself reminiscing about our road trips up North, our Netflix nights, and the silly Saturdays we shared. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think of that night... if you ever search inside yourself and venture to the past.
Perhaps you don't because things didn't end well between us. I was honest and I knew that you had more of yourself to give that you just weren't giving. You skimped us both of your vulnerability and willingness to let another person in. Regardless of why you didn't fully open up or trust in what we had, I still go back to that night occassionally. Don't get me wrong… it's not intentional to say the least. The reality is it takes a lot of effort for me to remember that rainy night. It takes precise symbols and reminders for me to venture behind the walls that I built in front of our chapter. The walls I constructed in order to forget you; the walls I built so that I couldn't feel my heart ache. But sometimes, those walls collapse when I'm driving on Hollywood Blvd or if I hear a Journey song on the radio. It is then that my mind holds me prisoner and forces me to remember the night that I became undoubtedly smitten with you. It's not fair because I tried for months to shake off our memories, but sometimes you pop into my head and there’s nothing I can do. What sucks even more is that I have a good thing going without you. I finally feel whole again without you in my life. But maybe, just maybe, I'm supposed to think of you time and again so that I remember what it felt like to have someone look at me the way you did that night. To remind me that I'm worthy of having a man rub my shoulders and warm me up on a cold, rainy night.
But now, no one is doing that when it rains. And no matter how independent I claim to be, I sometimes fantasize about this night when it rains... and even when it doesn't rain. As if you'll appear miraculously and comfort me when I feel like a complete mess. But that hasn't happened and life isn't always like a movie. I'm embarrassed to admit it but deep down, I still have hope in my heart that you'll show up outside of my building one day... just because. If you want to talk about fantasies, what I hope for even more is that you'll be outside of my apartment when you feel like your world is crumbling... Because if you showed up today... after all this time, I feel like it would cancel out the days you didn't come to me when you needed me the most. My hope is that you'll actually do this one day and I wonder if that's sick... Or unrealistic? Whatever it is, I hope you do it soon and I hope I'm still available when and if you do it.
The truth is this... time is such a bizarre thing and it changes people in a way that is beyond their own control. I actually find it kind of funny how time changes the way one thinks or feels about something or someone. I know I'm stronger, I know I have a good thing going without you but sometimes, on a sunny day like today, I desperately wish that it were raining so you could magically save me one last time. So that I could be drenched and unpleasant... and so that you could kiss me once again.
But now, no one is doing that when it rains. And no matter how independent I claim to be, I sometimes fantasize about this night when it rains... and even when it doesn't rain. As if you'll appear miraculously and comfort me when I feel like a complete mess. But that hasn't happened and life isn't always like a movie. I'm embarrassed to admit it but deep down, I still have hope in my heart that you'll show up outside of my building one day... just because. If you want to talk about fantasies, what I hope for even more is that you'll be outside of my apartment when you feel like your world is crumbling... Because if you showed up today... after all this time, I feel like it would cancel out the days you didn't come to me when you needed me the most. My hope is that you'll actually do this one day and I wonder if that's sick... Or unrealistic? Whatever it is, I hope you do it soon and I hope I'm still available when and if you do it.
The truth is this... time is such a bizarre thing and it changes people in a way that is beyond their own control. I actually find it kind of funny how time changes the way one thinks or feels about something or someone. I know I'm stronger, I know I have a good thing going without you but sometimes, on a sunny day like today, I desperately wish that it were raining so you could magically save me one last time. So that I could be drenched and unpleasant... and so that you could kiss me once again.
